i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
