i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
