She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
