I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
