sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
