Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
