I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
