I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize