he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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