Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
