Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
