I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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