Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
