Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
