The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
