JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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