i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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