He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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