Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
