Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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