Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
