I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
