I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize