I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
