I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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