The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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