I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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