hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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