So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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