You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
