My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
