I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
