I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
