haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize