the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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