I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
