I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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