i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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