Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
