You're a womanizer and a bitch.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
