pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
