My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
