The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
