I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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