there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
