I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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