you would pick up someone in the library
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
