Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
