my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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