Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
