I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
