What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
