Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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