i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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