the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
