Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize