dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
