1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
