i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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