I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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